When the Lord first whispered the thought of this blog on to my heart, I never imagined how important the name would become to me. A Way to Put Life into Perspective...Finding Direction in God's Word to Guide Us Through Difficult Times in Life.

For this first time in my life the only one I have to depend on is God. I've always had my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles or a spouse to walk with me through life. Now...well now it is just me and God! 

I am broken by grief and fear. When Lysa Terkeurst talks about becoming dust, I honestly understand that statement now. Dealing with multiple back-to-back deaths in the family while recovering from an illness has left me so broken and vulnerable, I feel like if the wind blows, I will be swept away into the air and will be no more. I breath and there is pain. I can't think at times because the pain is so consuming, I feel like I will pass out. Yes, I think dust is where I am at right now. 

Starting in October of 2021 was the first death our family experienced. Then each month fallowing there would be another death. Four in a row and each one precious and loved. December 14, 2021, my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life took his last breath on earth, and I took my first breath as dust. I never knew how much I loved him until he was no longer by my side. Now words cannot describe the devastation my heart feels. To add to that his mother passed away the next month, January 30, 2022, and on January 31 I had a break down. Thats when I realized the Lord was all I had.

 1 Corinthians 15:57 

 Thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. I never knew how powerful those few words would be to my life. In a fetal position, screaming, crying, and throwing up I wanted to die. No, I wanted to take my own life, but my body was paralyzed in grief. I screamed out at God, WHY? WHY? WHY? I felt like he was punishing me for every sin in my life. I couldn't understand why God would take the one person that I depended on to keep me grounded. William was my soul mate, my best friend and the love of my life. I could not breath and did not want to live. The pain was greater than that I experienced when my granddaughter was murdered. How could I go on?

I couldn't! I didn't want to! In the midst of this break down I wasn't sure of anything. I cried out "Please God help me" and with a soft voice he whispered "victory". I was so consumed by my pain and screaming that it took God a couple of times telling me victory. Then something clicked in my mind. "YES Lord! YES!" I said, "Victory in Jesus". I remembered what he had told me just a couple short months before. As I was picking out my word for year 2022, I recalled spending much time and prayer over that word; The word...Victory! In October of 2021 God spoke to my heart to choose the word victory.

I began to sing Victory in Jesus balled up in a fetal position. I started singing this verse and I could feel the power of the Holy Spirit begin to move in me.

I Heard about His healing 

Of his cleansing power revealing

How he made the lame to walk again

And caused the blind to see 

 And then I cried, "Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit." 

And somehow Jesus came and brought to me, the victory.

As I sang, then I cried Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit, the Lord lifted me up out of the grief I was in and stood me on my feet. I began to shout and praise the Lord ever so loudly. After a few times singing Victory in Jesus, I took a breath and said "Lord, I think I can eat now". I hadn't eaten in days, and I was finally hungry. I cleaned myself up and my recliner where I was balled up in, then I ate.

I can't tell you I am 100% yet because there are still hard days, had hours, hard nights, and I may never be the same. I have learned that the Word of God is powerful, and God will use his word to reach the deepest darkest parts of your broken life if you call upon him. I have and still am facing hard times physically, emotionally and financially. As I write this today I have enough of money to sustain me through the end of the week. Beyond that only God knows how he will provide for me.

What I have learned so far is that God will meet you where you are, even if you are so broken you can't breathe. There is no way you can try to understand devastation of any kind. God tells us to trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding; submit to God in all we do, and he will make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6) I am learning to depend on him even when I can't comprehend his ways. Philippians 4:9, God will supply all of my needs. I am trusting God's word to guide me through this hard live straight to heaven. I have learned to trust my Jehovah Jireh; He is my Lord that will provide!

 

 How is it possible it has been four months since I have heard your voice? My lips miss kissing you and my eyes can't seem to focus on anything but that beautiful smile that you wore on your face. I loved how your eyes sparkled when you smiled at me. I miss your loving touch and the gentle way you held me close to you as I slept. I miss you!

There is no right way to grieve the loss of a person you loved so much. The greater the love the greater the degree of pain when you grieve. Life makes no sense without the person you love. I struggle with every breath to survive. My entire body hurts with pain. I keep telling myself there is a chance you will walk in the door, and I will wake up from this nightmare. This is never ending torment for my heart. 

My advice to you...love deeply, forgive quickly and never make the person you love feel like a failure. The world is cruel enough, be their safe place to fall apart and find strength in your love. We all need a partner in life to love us through any storm. Don't look for that perfect partner to love you but be the person to take ahold of a hand and say I am here for you. Be the kind of person you want to love you. Never be afraid to love. Dance the dance and gaze at the stars, take the walks in the rain and always kiss goodnight! Maybe you just might find you soul mate the love of your life your best friend. 

What I have learned by losing the love of my life is, don't take tomorrow for granted. Say I love you, show I love you and never leave without kissing the ones you love bye and holding them a little longer. You never know when that will be the last time you get to see them.

The night I headed off to the ER I started to let William sleep. The Lord whispered no go tell him goodbye, I walked into the bedroom and set softly on the bed. I swiped my hand across his forehead and ask if he was awake. He said yes and I bent over kissing him on the cheek. I love you I told him softly and he took my hand in his; I love you too. We exchanged some small talk and I kissed him and held on to him for a long time, The last time I would ever talk to him again.

Listen to the whispers to your heart and be diligent to obey, you never know when that will be your one and only chance to make a difference. It is 5:16 on the morning and I haven't slept any tonight. I know what the pain feels like so love deeply, forgive quickly and don't let time slip away, you can never get it back once it is gone.

It's The Little Things!

 

It's The Little Things!

I needed a break! That's what the doctor told me a few weeks back. So, I have been changing my lifestyle; you know reducing stress 😕 and becoming stressed over how to reduce stress. 

We had planned a weekend getaway and with health issues reconsidered. The closer the leave day came the more frustrated I became about losing our money. A quick pack then breakfast and off we went. The more miles put between us and home the more relaxed I became. It was like stress had run out of gas and I left it alongside the road. The weather was great, and it looked as if I was going to get my rest.

Our first night was dinner in and a nice relaxing soak in the hot tub. Yes, doctors' orders were being filled. A relaxing shower and off to bed. Such a smile on my face. "Thank you, Lord, for peace" I whispered as I drifted off to sleep.

Felling such peace and relaxation I woke up at 530 that morning. "Yes" I get to see the sun rise on the beach. God did not disappoint. I set on my balcony with the warm breeze flowing over my body as if someone was pouring warm honey on me. With every second my anticipation grew. I was like a child waiting to jump out of bed on Christmas morning.

In the quietness God is greater than our problems. His beauty reminds us of his love for us. I needed this reminder on this day. This moment was the calm before the storm that hit my life.

Calls started coming in from children one after the other. "Mom I have Covid, but I am ok". Our discussion began about the trickledown effect of this and how life would change over the next several days. We discussed how the devil was trying to crush God's children, and on many levels appears to be winning. Our conversation turned to the power that God's children had with in them, the power of the Holy Ghost. We fail to live with in that power my son said, and I agreed. Hanging up with him I reflected on another picture I had taken that morning and it was breath taking.

I needed this before my day spiraled into a pot of self-pity and doubt over every decision I had ever made in life. I did not qualify as a good mother; a good wife; a good daughter; a good anything! The world had just labeled me a failure at living. I saw myself as fat and ugly; ashamed of who I was I crawled into a shell and cried, no I mourned my life, the life of memories that I had, that were happy and full of joy. Now, my memories, my life was never to be the same. Just as waves roll upon the sand, that sand is swept out never to be in that same spot again. I would never have that feeling of protecting my family. I would never be in that same spot!

Days went by, I put a smile on my face while I finished out my relaxing get away, but my insides were ripped to shreds. What would normal be now? Only God knows. Though my days be full of grief and sorrow I will keep in mind what Habakkuk said, "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will take joy in the God of my salvation".

Had God not blessed me with this sun rise I would not have seen who is still in control of my life. I would not have been reminded of who holds the sun, the moon, the stars, and my eternity in his hand.

Now four months later and I am in the greatest devastation of my life. The peace I had in that storm was sucked out of me three months later. Have you been in a storm like that? the earth shattering, life altering catastrophic storms that leave your inner most being in such destruction you just set down and give up? I am there now! I uncontrollably cry until I am physically sick. I doubt why I should pray, however talking to the Lord is all I do. I don't want to leave my house. I don't shower, and I can't sleep at night. I see all of the red flags but somehow, I just don't care. I don't care if I set for days and not get dressed. I don't care if I don't shower or brush my teeth. I JUST DONT CARE!!!! My heart is so broken!

My true love was taken from me on December 14, 2022, and my heart will never be the same. I can't give advice on how to pull yourself out of this kind of devastation because I am learning as I walk through it.

Welcome To My Table:

  I am so excited you are choosing to be a part of my growing blog. I am humbled at the interest you have taken in my story, and I pray that through my brokenness you will be able to see where my strength comes from.  I love talking about things that I have passion for, you could say it is the love of my life, and that would be my Lord savior Jesus Christ! For those of you that don't know me my name is Angela I have been called, by God, to be pen my life of how the Gospel of Christ has changed me.  How he has worked in my life helping me over come sins, deaths, condemnation, depression, anxiety, and issues of abandonment and abuse. I could list many more debilitating emotions that I have locked with in me but as my story unfolds you will be able to learn more. The story of my life, the hard parts that are locked inside of me, I now choose to let  run free so that you may know you are not alone in your struggles of this world, and so that satin can no longer keep me held captive through shame. God has walked every had step with me and He is walking it with you. He gave me freedom from shame and he can extend that same grace to you.

 So as I set here at my family table I am inviting you in, as my family, to set down, get your favorite drink, grab a snack and lets talk. If you feel comfortable you can share some of your fears and I will listen with an open heart and be nonjudgmental. If it makes you feel more at ease I will start.

Christ had the anointing of God upon him, and he came to encourage the meek heal the broken hearted and to proclaim freedom to those held captive by sin; open the prison doors and give freedom to all that would fallow him. I believe this with every fiber of my being. I am completely in love with the Lord. I know what it is like to be so broken that you don't think you can breathe and feel the mercies of Christ sweep over you bringing strength and hope to your broken soul. I knw what it is like to feel trapped in hell with no way out only to have the Lord guide me to something more beautiful than I could have imagined. Sadly, I know what it is like to call myself a child of God but yet stumble, fall and sin so badly that the shame and guilt caused me to withdraw from life itself. Shame is one of the most crippling emotion the devil uses to keep us paralyzed preventing us from living freely in the blessing of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus gives power to the weak and to them that have no strength he will strengthen them. (Isaiah 40:29) 

 The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound; (Isa 61:1 KJV)

 

As I set at my family table and look at you, I want you to know what I am feeling, this is hard. I don't open up this easily. My fear is screaming to me in my head "You aren't good enough! You never were and you aren't now!" I have heard this scream of belittlement all of my life. It controls every decision I make and every decision I don't fallow through with. I am paralyzed with the fear of not being good enough. But I am trusting you with my fragile fear right now. I am trusting God for the strength to speak His truth into the pit of worthlessness I am feeling right now. One of my Facebook friends one posted "How do you run from what's in your head" I can only imagine the torture of her thought at that moment. My body hurts for her. Do you feel that way? Have you ever felt that way? I know I have, almost daily. I can feel my mouth getting dry as I try to speak truth over fear. I reach to get my tea to wet my mouth, my hand is shaky, and I am hoping you don't notice. Yes I am scared but this must be done. We have to push through the fear and let the Truth speak life into us. I discovered, Jennie Allen, author of Get Out of You Head has penned it perfectly in her book. Page 214-216 has listed truths from the Word of God that should be spoken over us daily. I highly recommend this book for you.

This is what God says about Himself and you:

I am who I am. Exodus 3:14

I am the beginning and the end. I am the first, and I am the last. Revelations 22:13

I am light; in me there is no darkness at all. 1 John1:5

My hand laid the foundation of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens: when I call them the stand forth together. Isaiah 48:13

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Jeremiah 1:5

I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. John 15:16

I am he who blots out your transgressions. I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25

To all who receive Me, who believe in my name, I give the right to become children of God. John 1:12

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? 1 Corinthians 3:16

My Spirit is with in you. Ezekiel 36:27

I will not leave you. Deuteronomy 31:8 

I will equip you for every good work I've planned. Hebrews 13:21

I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

I will comfort you as you weight. Isaiah 66:13

 But the Comforter, [which is] the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. {I will remind you this is real} John 14:26

 Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown. Revelations 3:11 {I will return}

My steadfast love endures forever. Psalms 25:13

In just a little while...

I am coming and I will take you to a place where I am. Hebrews 10:37; John 14:3

You will inherit the earth. Psalms 25:13

My kingdom is coming.

My will will be done on earth as it is in Heave,. Matthew 6:10

These are God's truths, and they are for me and they are for you. God is sovran and is faithful and just. He is my truth and my anchor when life wants to carry my away in fear.  

Back to the question my friend ask, how do you run from what's in your head?  You can't! but you can change how you think! 

There are a lot of scriptures in this post and each week I will set with you and tell you a little about the thoughts that terrorize me and how they control my actions as well as how these scriptures and more have helped change my thought patterns and my life.

I am an imperfect but forgiven child of God! 

You must read Get Out Of My Head to understand why I am going to end each blog with this declaration.     https://fb.watc.txt If this link does not work go to P31 OBS on FaceBook and watch at the round table on 7/29/2021

FEAR no longer holds power over me!

FEAR no longer holds power over the ones that set with me at my table!

God I ask that you to see the thought of those the one that has decided to set with me today. I know what it is like to be consumed by agonizing thoughts that paralyze me. Lord I pray as we start on this journey together that you will free us from the bondage of satan that we may run freely in your truth and in your blessings. Keep us until we set together again. In Jesus Name I pray AMEN!

[Gen 6:5 KJV] 5 And GOD saw that the wickedness of man [was] great in the earth, and [that] every imagination of the thoughts of his heart [was] only evil continually.

 

[Psa 94:11 KJV] 11 The LORD knows the thoughts of man, that they [are] vanity.

 

[Pro 16:3 KJV] 3 Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.

[Isa 55:8 KJV] 8 For my thoughts [are] not your thoughts, neither [are] your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

[Jer 29:11 KJV] 11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

[Luk 24:38 KJV] 38 And he said unto them, Why are ye troubled? and why do thoughts arise in your hearts?

[2Co 10:5 KJV] 5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 

[Phl 4:7-8 KJV] 7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.

[Tit 3:3-7 KJV] 3 For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, [and] hating one another. 4 But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared, 5 Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost; 6 Which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour; 7 That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life. 

 

 Air went out!!!! Why Now??? Going to get back up until the new heat/ air system can be put in!!!! Just thankful I will never know how hot hell will be!!!! Thank you Lord for providing a way from finding out and making a way to get a window unit today!!!!

Thank You Lord!!!

I have been locked out of my account for several years now. I had given up hope but was reluctant to start another blog site. I was cleaning out my desk today and found this slip of paper with a  password on it. Racking my brain I could not figure out what it was for. I decided just for fun I would try it and you know what? IT WORKED!!!!!!! I am in and I am so excited!!!!!!! 

I am going to spend some time updating my blog and starting from a new place in life will begin posting on a regular biases. As I start to increase my fallowers I pray you will be faithful and stay tuned in...

This is the day that the Lord has made, be glad and rejoice in it! Psalms 118:24

Much Love and Prayers,

Angela Kay

 

"Eyes are the windows to our soul" so it is said.

Why is it people only see that which they think to be real? Are these eyes angry, sad, happy, or hurt? It would be wrong for us to try and determine what is really being said here without seeing the whole picture.

As children of God we often do that very same thing...look at someone and determine their value and worth not looking at the complete picture. In Genies 1:27 God said he created man in his own image. Did you ever stop and think how powerful those words are? We are created in God's own image...How amazing is that? I tremble at the thought of how special God sees me and yet how little I value myself as his creation.

I have been down on myself because I feel like I have been slacking and not doing enough for the Lord. Ya see I am still placing human thinking in the mind of Christ. I cant begin to comprehend how he perceives me and how he values me as his child. I understand so little when it comes how much God loves me and could send his Son to die for me.

In Jeremiah 29:11 God tells me He know the thoughts that he thinks toward me...thoughts of peace and not evil so I will have an expected end.

He also tells me when I call upon him go and pray to him and he will hear me. How awesome is that? God will take time to listen to a sinner like me that isn't worthy of his love. To God I am worthy and so are you. God is waiting to to shower us with blessings but it is our human way of thinking that hinders our Lord from truly blessing us. In verse 13 he tells me that if I seek him and search for him with all my heart I will find him...this saith the Lord!

I read these verses to my Father over and over as he laid dying in the Hospice house. I felt like my Father was being punished because of his life lived in sin. He gave his heart to the Lord shortly before he went to the Hospice house and I know the Lord was with him but I doubted God reasoning for my Fathers suffering. God showed me these verses so I could read them to my Father, as well as my comfort.

God doesn't want us to give in to our enemies but to be victorious in all walks of life. If we will just seek him with all of our heart every day he will bring us peace even in the midst of a storm.

He gave me peace and comfort as I watched my Father wither away and die. He said to me :I know your Fathers expected end and it is much greater than his life...He will live forever!

I ask you that if you are doubting yourself and God's love for you seek Him...