When the Lord first whispered the thought of this blog on to my heart, I never imagined how important the name would become to me. A Way to Put Life into Perspective...Finding Direction in God's Word to Guide Us Through Difficult Times in Life.

For this first time in my life the only one I have to depend on is God. I've always had my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles or a spouse to walk with me through life. Now...well now it is just me and God! 

I am broken by grief and fear. When Lysa Terkeurst talks about becoming dust, I honestly understand that statement now. Dealing with multiple back-to-back deaths in the family while recovering from an illness has left me so broken and vulnerable, I feel like if the wind blows, I will be swept away into the air and will be no more. I breath and there is pain. I can't think at times because the pain is so consuming, I feel like I will pass out. Yes, I think dust is where I am at right now. 

Starting in October of 2021 was the first death our family experienced. Then each month fallowing there would be another death. Four in a row and each one precious and loved. December 14, 2021, my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life took his last breath on earth, and I took my first breath as dust. I never knew how much I loved him until he was no longer by my side. Now words cannot describe the devastation my heart feels. To add to that his mother passed away the next month, January 30, 2022, and on January 31 I had a break down. Thats when I realized the Lord was all I had.

 1 Corinthians 15:57 

 Thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. I never knew how powerful those few words would be to my life. In a fetal position, screaming, crying, and throwing up I wanted to die. No, I wanted to take my own life, but my body was paralyzed in grief. I screamed out at God, WHY? WHY? WHY? I felt like he was punishing me for every sin in my life. I couldn't understand why God would take the one person that I depended on to keep me grounded. William was my soul mate, my best friend and the love of my life. I could not breath and did not want to live. The pain was greater than that I experienced when my granddaughter was murdered. How could I go on?

I couldn't! I didn't want to! In the midst of this break down I wasn't sure of anything. I cried out "Please God help me" and with a soft voice he whispered "victory". I was so consumed by my pain and screaming that it took God a couple of times telling me victory. Then something clicked in my mind. "YES Lord! YES!" I said, "Victory in Jesus". I remembered what he had told me just a couple short months before. As I was picking out my word for year 2022, I recalled spending much time and prayer over that word; The word...Victory! In October of 2021 God spoke to my heart to choose the word victory.

I began to sing Victory in Jesus balled up in a fetal position. I started singing this verse and I could feel the power of the Holy Spirit begin to move in me.

I Heard about His healing 

Of his cleansing power revealing

How he made the lame to walk again

And caused the blind to see 

 And then I cried, "Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit." 

And somehow Jesus came and brought to me, the victory.

As I sang, then I cried Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit, the Lord lifted me up out of the grief I was in and stood me on my feet. I began to shout and praise the Lord ever so loudly. After a few times singing Victory in Jesus, I took a breath and said "Lord, I think I can eat now". I hadn't eaten in days, and I was finally hungry. I cleaned myself up and my recliner where I was balled up in, then I ate.

I can't tell you I am 100% yet because there are still hard days, had hours, hard nights, and I may never be the same. I have learned that the Word of God is powerful, and God will use his word to reach the deepest darkest parts of your broken life if you call upon him. I have and still am facing hard times physically, emotionally and financially. As I write this today I have enough of money to sustain me through the end of the week. Beyond that only God knows how he will provide for me.

What I have learned so far is that God will meet you where you are, even if you are so broken you can't breathe. There is no way you can try to understand devastation of any kind. God tells us to trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding; submit to God in all we do, and he will make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6) I am learning to depend on him even when I can't comprehend his ways. Philippians 4:9, God will supply all of my needs. I am trusting God's word to guide me through this hard live straight to heaven. I have learned to trust my Jehovah Jireh; He is my Lord that will provide!

 

 How is it possible it has been four months since I have heard your voice? My lips miss kissing you and my eyes can't seem to focus on anything but that beautiful smile that you wore on your face. I loved how your eyes sparkled when you smiled at me. I miss your loving touch and the gentle way you held me close to you as I slept. I miss you!

There is no right way to grieve the loss of a person you loved so much. The greater the love the greater the degree of pain when you grieve. Life makes no sense without the person you love. I struggle with every breath to survive. My entire body hurts with pain. I keep telling myself there is a chance you will walk in the door, and I will wake up from this nightmare. This is never ending torment for my heart. 

My advice to you...love deeply, forgive quickly and never make the person you love feel like a failure. The world is cruel enough, be their safe place to fall apart and find strength in your love. We all need a partner in life to love us through any storm. Don't look for that perfect partner to love you but be the person to take ahold of a hand and say I am here for you. Be the kind of person you want to love you. Never be afraid to love. Dance the dance and gaze at the stars, take the walks in the rain and always kiss goodnight! Maybe you just might find you soul mate the love of your life your best friend. 

What I have learned by losing the love of my life is, don't take tomorrow for granted. Say I love you, show I love you and never leave without kissing the ones you love bye and holding them a little longer. You never know when that will be the last time you get to see them.

The night I headed off to the ER I started to let William sleep. The Lord whispered no go tell him goodbye, I walked into the bedroom and set softly on the bed. I swiped my hand across his forehead and ask if he was awake. He said yes and I bent over kissing him on the cheek. I love you I told him softly and he took my hand in his; I love you too. We exchanged some small talk and I kissed him and held on to him for a long time, The last time I would ever talk to him again.

Listen to the whispers to your heart and be diligent to obey, you never know when that will be your one and only chance to make a difference. It is 5:16 on the morning and I haven't slept any tonight. I know what the pain feels like so love deeply, forgive quickly and don't let time slip away, you can never get it back once it is gone.

It's The Little Things!

 

It's The Little Things!

I needed a break! That's what the doctor told me a few weeks back. So, I have been changing my lifestyle; you know reducing stress 😕 and becoming stressed over how to reduce stress. 

We had planned a weekend getaway and with health issues reconsidered. The closer the leave day came the more frustrated I became about losing our money. A quick pack then breakfast and off we went. The more miles put between us and home the more relaxed I became. It was like stress had run out of gas and I left it alongside the road. The weather was great, and it looked as if I was going to get my rest.

Our first night was dinner in and a nice relaxing soak in the hot tub. Yes, doctors' orders were being filled. A relaxing shower and off to bed. Such a smile on my face. "Thank you, Lord, for peace" I whispered as I drifted off to sleep.

Felling such peace and relaxation I woke up at 530 that morning. "Yes" I get to see the sun rise on the beach. God did not disappoint. I set on my balcony with the warm breeze flowing over my body as if someone was pouring warm honey on me. With every second my anticipation grew. I was like a child waiting to jump out of bed on Christmas morning.

In the quietness God is greater than our problems. His beauty reminds us of his love for us. I needed this reminder on this day. This moment was the calm before the storm that hit my life.

Calls started coming in from children one after the other. "Mom I have Covid, but I am ok". Our discussion began about the trickledown effect of this and how life would change over the next several days. We discussed how the devil was trying to crush God's children, and on many levels appears to be winning. Our conversation turned to the power that God's children had with in them, the power of the Holy Ghost. We fail to live with in that power my son said, and I agreed. Hanging up with him I reflected on another picture I had taken that morning and it was breath taking.

I needed this before my day spiraled into a pot of self-pity and doubt over every decision I had ever made in life. I did not qualify as a good mother; a good wife; a good daughter; a good anything! The world had just labeled me a failure at living. I saw myself as fat and ugly; ashamed of who I was I crawled into a shell and cried, no I mourned my life, the life of memories that I had, that were happy and full of joy. Now, my memories, my life was never to be the same. Just as waves roll upon the sand, that sand is swept out never to be in that same spot again. I would never have that feeling of protecting my family. I would never be in that same spot!

Days went by, I put a smile on my face while I finished out my relaxing get away, but my insides were ripped to shreds. What would normal be now? Only God knows. Though my days be full of grief and sorrow I will keep in mind what Habakkuk said, "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will take joy in the God of my salvation".

Had God not blessed me with this sun rise I would not have seen who is still in control of my life. I would not have been reminded of who holds the sun, the moon, the stars, and my eternity in his hand.

Now four months later and I am in the greatest devastation of my life. The peace I had in that storm was sucked out of me three months later. Have you been in a storm like that? the earth shattering, life altering catastrophic storms that leave your inner most being in such destruction you just set down and give up? I am there now! I uncontrollably cry until I am physically sick. I doubt why I should pray, however talking to the Lord is all I do. I don't want to leave my house. I don't shower, and I can't sleep at night. I see all of the red flags but somehow, I just don't care. I don't care if I set for days and not get dressed. I don't care if I don't shower or brush my teeth. I JUST DONT CARE!!!! My heart is so broken!

My true love was taken from me on December 14, 2022, and my heart will never be the same. I can't give advice on how to pull yourself out of this kind of devastation because I am learning as I walk through it.