For this first time in my life the only one I have to depend on is God. I've always had my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles or a spouse to walk with me through life. Now...well now it is just me and God!
I am broken by grief and fear. When Lysa Terkeurst talks about becoming dust, I honestly understand that statement now. Dealing with multiple back-to-back deaths in the family while recovering from an illness has left me so broken and vulnerable, I feel like if the wind blows, I will be swept away into the air and will be no more. I breath and there is pain. I can't think at times because the pain is so consuming, I feel like I will pass out. Yes, I think dust is where I am at right now.
Starting in October of 2021 was the first death our family experienced. Then each month fallowing there would be another death. Four in a row and each one precious and loved. December 14, 2021, my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life took his last breath on earth, and I took my first breath as dust. I never knew how much I loved him until he was no longer by my side. Now words cannot describe the devastation my heart feels. To add to that his mother passed away the next month, January 30, 2022, and on January 31 I had a break down. Thats when I realized the Lord was all I had.
1 Corinthians 15:57
Thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. I never knew how powerful those few words would be to my life. In a fetal position, screaming, crying, and throwing up I wanted to die. No, I wanted to take my own life, but my body was paralyzed in grief. I screamed out at God, WHY? WHY? WHY? I felt like he was punishing me for every sin in my life. I couldn't understand why God would take the one person that I depended on to keep me grounded. William was my soul mate, my best friend and the love of my life. I could not breath and did not want to live. The pain was greater than that I experienced when my granddaughter was murdered. How could I go on?
I couldn't! I didn't want to! In the midst of this break down I wasn't sure of anything. I cried out "Please God help me" and with a soft voice he whispered "victory". I was so consumed by my pain and screaming that it took God a couple of times telling me victory. Then something clicked in my mind. "YES Lord! YES!" I said, "Victory in Jesus". I remembered what he had told me just a couple short months before. As I was picking out my word for year 2022, I recalled spending much time and prayer over that word; The word...Victory! In October of 2021 God spoke to my heart to choose the word victory.
I began to sing Victory in Jesus balled up in a fetal position. I started singing this verse and I could feel the power of the Holy Spirit begin to move in me.
I Heard about His healing
Of his cleansing power revealing
How he made the lame to walk again
And caused the blind to see
And then I cried, "Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit."
And somehow Jesus came and brought to me, the victory.
As I sang, then I cried Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit, the Lord lifted me up out of the grief I was in and stood me on my feet. I began to shout and praise the Lord ever so loudly. After a few times singing Victory in Jesus, I took a breath and said "Lord, I think I can eat now". I hadn't eaten in days, and I was finally hungry. I cleaned myself up and my recliner where I was balled up in, then I ate.
I can't tell you I am 100% yet because there are still hard days, had hours, hard nights, and I may never be the same. I have learned that the Word of God is powerful, and God will use his word to reach the deepest darkest parts of your broken life if you call upon him. I have and still am facing hard times physically, emotionally and financially. As I write this today I have enough of money to sustain me through the end of the week. Beyond that only God knows how he will provide for me.
What I have learned so far is that God will meet you where you are, even if you are so broken you can't breathe. There is no way you can try to understand devastation of any kind. God tells us to trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding; submit to God in all we do, and he will make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6) I am learning to depend on him even when I can't comprehend his ways. Philippians 4:9, God will supply all of my needs. I am trusting God's word to guide me through this hard live straight to heaven. I have learned to trust my Jehovah Jireh; He is my Lord that will provide!
