It's The Little Things!

 

It's The Little Things!

I needed a break! That's what the doctor told me a few weeks back. So, I have been changing my lifestyle; you know reducing stress 😕 and becoming stressed over how to reduce stress. 

We had planned a weekend getaway and with health issues reconsidered. The closer the leave day came the more frustrated I became about losing our money. A quick pack then breakfast and off we went. The more miles put between us and home the more relaxed I became. It was like stress had run out of gas and I left it alongside the road. The weather was great, and it looked as if I was going to get my rest.

Our first night was dinner in and a nice relaxing soak in the hot tub. Yes, doctors' orders were being filled. A relaxing shower and off to bed. Such a smile on my face. "Thank you, Lord, for peace" I whispered as I drifted off to sleep.

Felling such peace and relaxation I woke up at 530 that morning. "Yes" I get to see the sun rise on the beach. God did not disappoint. I set on my balcony with the warm breeze flowing over my body as if someone was pouring warm honey on me. With every second my anticipation grew. I was like a child waiting to jump out of bed on Christmas morning.

In the quietness God is greater than our problems. His beauty reminds us of his love for us. I needed this reminder on this day. This moment was the calm before the storm that hit my life.

Calls started coming in from children one after the other. "Mom I have Covid, but I am ok". Our discussion began about the trickledown effect of this and how life would change over the next several days. We discussed how the devil was trying to crush God's children, and on many levels appears to be winning. Our conversation turned to the power that God's children had with in them, the power of the Holy Ghost. We fail to live with in that power my son said, and I agreed. Hanging up with him I reflected on another picture I had taken that morning and it was breath taking.

I needed this before my day spiraled into a pot of self-pity and doubt over every decision I had ever made in life. I did not qualify as a good mother; a good wife; a good daughter; a good anything! The world had just labeled me a failure at living. I saw myself as fat and ugly; ashamed of who I was I crawled into a shell and cried, no I mourned my life, the life of memories that I had, that were happy and full of joy. Now, my memories, my life was never to be the same. Just as waves roll upon the sand, that sand is swept out never to be in that same spot again. I would never have that feeling of protecting my family. I would never be in that same spot!

Days went by, I put a smile on my face while I finished out my relaxing get away, but my insides were ripped to shreds. What would normal be now? Only God knows. Though my days be full of grief and sorrow I will keep in mind what Habakkuk said, "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will take joy in the God of my salvation".

Had God not blessed me with this sun rise I would not have seen who is still in control of my life. I would not have been reminded of who holds the sun, the moon, the stars, and my eternity in his hand.

Now four months later and I am in the greatest devastation of my life. The peace I had in that storm was sucked out of me three months later. Have you been in a storm like that? the earth shattering, life altering catastrophic storms that leave your inner most being in such destruction you just set down and give up? I am there now! I uncontrollably cry until I am physically sick. I doubt why I should pray, however talking to the Lord is all I do. I don't want to leave my house. I don't shower, and I can't sleep at night. I see all of the red flags but somehow, I just don't care. I don't care if I set for days and not get dressed. I don't care if I don't shower or brush my teeth. I JUST DONT CARE!!!! My heart is so broken!

My true love was taken from me on December 14, 2022, and my heart will never be the same. I can't give advice on how to pull yourself out of this kind of devastation because I am learning as I walk through it.