Monday, May 12, 2008

A Personal Struggle

I have been asking myself some hard questions lately. I haven’t been able to find the right answer so when that happens I start to write. It seems that God reveals more to me in my writing than any other time.
I started a second job about four weeks ago and now I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I only have two of my five children at home with me now and one is 20 and the other one is 17. Then there is my husband, who is 3, and I. My husband seems to be more needed now than when we had all five children at home. It could be I just notice it now and he was non existent to me when I was raising the children. He helped out “ZERO” with raising the children so you can understand that when the time came and I found myself with free time I enjoyed it. I love to write so I would find myself reading the word and writing a lot. Now I don’t have that luxury and I am missing it.
I struggle with getting some king of organization going on in my life. I know if I was able to do it with all of my children at home I should be able to do it now. I just can’t seem to get it together. So I ask myself why I was working two jobs and I really couldn’t come up with a good answer except to pay for my horse habit. Now that I have an extra job I have less time for my horses. So I am not gaining anything. I ask my husband yesterday if I was neglecting the family by working both jobs and to my surprise he said no. He has always been selfish with his money and the more I contribute the less he has to, so I figured that is why he responded the way he did.
I ask why I could not be content with what I had. Why I had to go searching for more? That is what I have trouble finding an answer for. Why do I do it?
Deep down I know I am not greedy and I don’t desire more. I just want to take care of what I have and use it for God’s glory. I don’t like not having as much free time as I did but I feel God placed this job in my lap. I haven’t groomed dogs in over eight years and I had no plans to do so. A new pet store opened up about 5 minutes from my house. They were in need of groomers badly. My son’s girlfriend went to work down there and she was telling everybody about me. The manager called for two weeks trying to get me to put in my application. So finally I filled it out with no intention of being hired. They called me in to do a technical on Thursday and sent me to have a drug test done and I went to work the fallowing Thursday. My life seems like it has been spinning out of control ever since. I have missed one Sunday service and one Wed. night service because of work and I never intended for this job to interfere with anything. Now I am wondering why I do it.
The only thing I can think of is that God knew with so much idle time on my hands I might be tempted and fall into sin. He keeps placing Titus 2 in my head. The Aged Woman…
2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
2:4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
2:5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
2:7 In all things showing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine showing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,
2:8 Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.
2:9 Exhort servants to be obedient unto their own masters, and to please them well in all things; not answering again;

When we work for others we are in essence a “servant” to that company and the Managers. There are a lot of young women that work there and they have a “religion belief” but they are not saved according to what God says needs to be present in our life to be a Child of his. So was I placed there to be this aged woman? I have already been an influence to one young lady and she is moving her horse to where mine is. So we will be riding a lot together and I will be able to witness to her. So is this why I am there? I don’t know.
My manager worked at the same school I work for and she is a Christian. Id she feel all alone working there among so many unsaved that she felt she needed another Christian woman to come along beside her to encourager her in her struggles? I do not know. Maybe it was to teach be better time management and how to be that Titus 2 woman. What ever the reason this job was placed in my lap so freely I just want to honor God in what I do and not let Satan sneak his way in and devour my life and I not see it coming. The only thing I know to do is…
Proverbs 3:5-6Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Dear Heavenly Father I am trusting in you to direct my path even when I can not see where to take a step. I just need you to place in me a spirit of contentment and peace. Knowing that you are in control and you have my best interest at heart you will not let me be overtaken by Satan. I pray I have made a decision that will bring honor to you and I will not disappoint you. I pray I can exhibit the traits of this Titus Woman. In Jesus Name I Pray, Amen

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